Ten Reasons Why 3D Needs To Crawl Under a Rock and Die

Up front and honestly, I hate 3D. 3D is one of the single most annoying things to have been introduced into the movie-going experience. Everyone seems a little hazy on the matter, but I quite frankly have gotten sick of it. It was nice back when 3D was just “a thing”. You could ignore it if you liked, but now-a-days, there’s no way to do that half the time.

Here are 10 reasons why I think this technology needs to go away. The sooner, the better…

1. 3D Accomplishes Nothing

To be honest, none of the technological innovations in films from the past 20 years have accomplished anything. The general move to a standardised widescreen format, Dolby Surround Sound, even flipping High Definition. 3D is just one of a dozen pointless technical innovations that doesn’t actually enhance your movie-going experience in any way, shape or form.

Like almost everything else introduced into films in the past 20 or so years, 3D is there to deal with the insecurities of the film-maker, to give extra padding, to make the film-maker feel like he’s added something to his movie that would have otherwise been left a very flat experience. Can you honestly say 3D does something you can’t do in real-life… like observe space?

2. 3D Glasses Make You Look Like a Moron

I’m sure others aren’t as picky, but I really don’t like wearing anything unnecessary when I go to see a movie. It’s hard enough to look presentable when your gazing at the giant shiny picture on the silver screen, what I really need is a pair of dopey glasses to make me look even more like a mindless zombie.

3D glasses are really the biggest deal-breakers in this whole thing. For all our advancement, we seem to have missed the point where we could project a 3-dimensional image without the need to manipulate the human eye.

3. 3D Glasses Are Uncomfortable and Awkward

I eat at the movies, it’s no secret. Not much, but a small bag of candy or even a Twix bar as well as a drink needs some resting space. And even with my bony-thin butt, there isn’t too much I can fit on the seat or even on my lap. This is a problem because usually you don’t want to wear your 3D glasses until there’s a picture on screen. I hate that you can’t fold them either and it just causes a lot of unnecessary head-aches when you’re just trying to get seated comfortably, especially in a crowded theatre.

Not only that, the glasses are quite heavy and they begin to press uncomfortably against my nose which is when I have to do that stupid little manoeuvre where I hold the glasses up with the tip of my finger to relieve the pressure. All I’m asking is: Why is any of this necessary?

4. 3D Adds Nothing To The Viewing Experience

How do you know it’s a 3D movie? Are there things flying at you from the screen? Yes. And why is that important to the movie? Well it isn’t. 3D is an unnecessary tool for adding that extra wow-factor to impress the easily impressed. It’s sad that Hollywood seems to think that we are all still two, in diapers and impressed by things travelling really fast in our faces.

5. Poor Implementation of the Glasses Test

I’m not sure if this part is true for everyone, but the theatre that I frequent, which is part of a national chain, has a really poor way of implementing the test to see if your 3D glasses work or not. Firstly, they let people into any movie 15 minutes before the time of the start of the show, though that in itself is a lie because what really starts after 15 minutes are 15+ minutes of commercials (and maybe three movie trailers, tops). Before the trailers they have the 3D test animation or a 3D trailer to see if your glasses are working. I’ve never understood why couldn’t they have the test-animation running during those 15 minutes before they start showing all the commercials.

When you’ve already been sitting for almost 20 minutes and that animation finally starts up, you suddenly realise that there’s something wrong with your glasses. What do you do? You have to get up, walk past all the other people in the aisle and generally just make a nuisance of yourself so you can go exchange your broken glasses for a (hopefully) working pair.

6. No Alternate 2D Showings for Some 3D Movies

This is another thing I’m not cool with. Living in a sparsely populated country has its disadvantages, like the fact that certain movies will be on for a very short time and their over-all number of showings will drop dramatically in a matter of days. Never the less, I don’t understand why some movies get shown exclusively in 3D.

I hate this even more because so many movies I like or would be willing to see tend to get this only-3D treatment. Yet, it’s a well-known fact that not everyone likes 3D, so why not give those people the option of seeing the movie in 2D?

7. 3D Glasses Cause Eye-Strain, Headaches and Motion Sickness in Some

3D glasses are really a pain for those whose eyes simply can’t adjust to the effect. I myself suffer from headaches occasionally when I see 3D movies, but some people are completely unable to enjoy the movie because of the adverse effects of the 3D experience. And nevermind people who already wear glasses or have other problems. Do people missing an eye due to an accident really get anything out of the 3D experience?

This is another deal-breaker for 3D. If the technology is the reason someone can’t enjoy the movie, I think you’re doing something wrong.

8. Pointless Re-Releases of Films

This really just has to stop. Okay, I’m not against re-releasing films for the purpose of exposing people to the classics. I’m opposed to re-releasing films to promote pointless technological tom-foolery such as 3D. Why does a movie that was never meant to utilise this technology need to be in 3D in the first place?

Wait for an anniversary or some more meaningful occasion to re-release a film. Don’t just do it because you can.

9. Some Movies Are Made Explicitly to Exploit the 3D Trend

If someone thinks modern movies as a whole suck, it’s hard to make an argument against them when almost every movie is a remake, the summer-blockbusters are the only ones making any decent amounts of money and you don’t even need to put any serious thought into a movie anymore… just as long as it’s 3D. I’m not going to point fingers here but: You film-makers who are doing this, you know who you are. Stop exploiting shitty technological trends to make some cash off your shitty movie and actually put some effort into making it not-shitty.

10. It’s Just A Fad And We All Know It

The sad thing about 3D is that it’s a trend that just keeps coming back and refuses to die. 3D movies have been around for as long as the 1940s. The 50s, 60s and 80s all suffered from the resurgence of the trend and each time we were fortunate enough to realise that 3D was complete shite and that it would go away once people lost interest.

This most recent wave has been the most persistent and I think we all owe it to a stupid little movie called Avatar. If this blue cat-person joint had never been made, 3D would probably be under the rock right now.

But if someone out there really likes their 3D films, fear not, we all know it’s going to come back at some point, I just really hope it won’t be too soon.

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