Bottom-10 Items in Zelda

Since I already listed my Top-10 Items from Zelda games, I felt it would only be fair to also list the 10 worst items in Zelda. These are the items which are the most unnecessary, pointless or where the basic idea behind them is just inherently retarded. Zelda games are great but sometimes, really stupid items and ideas can penetrate these classic games.

On with the list…

10. The Deku Mask

Now granted, I too think that Link just looks really adorable as a Scrub. I think it’s just precious you can sprout your own helicopter propellers out of flowers and even hop on water like some sort… tree… human…water…fairy…thingy.

However, the bottom-line with the Deku Mask is that beyond the opening of Majora’s Mask and the first dungeon (plus, some incidental parts here and there), you will obviously not be using the Deku Mask voluntarily at any point in the game. As a Deku you’re tiny, vulnerable, practically defenseless, light up like a Christmas-tree at the very mention of a match and looked down upon by the rest of society. I shit you not, even dogs will attack you…

So adorable as the Deku Mask may be, it’s one of those items in Zelda games that everyone only uses because they have to, but at least it adds some gameplay variety, which is why I’m only having it as number-10.

9. Blue Fire

Blue Fire is one of those items that sounds really cool as a concept but utterly fails as an idea. Now, the cool aspect of Blue Fire is that it’s fire which you can carry around in an empty bottle. Holy Laws of Physics, Batman! Unfortunately, that’s where the coolness factor for the Blue Fire ends, because its singular purpose in Zelda is rather retarded to start with.

Are you ready for this? Blue Fire is there to melt Red Ice.

Bam! That’s me hitting my head against my desk at the utter retardedness of the whole concept. You had to come up with red ice to justify the existence of a magical blue flame which you can carry around in your pocket? And you use it maybe a grand total of five times in the whole game. Nice.

Plus, it’s entirely ineffective against any and all enemies, since Link doesn’t even throw the fire on to anyone (that would have been awesome) but instead spills it all around himself like a fucking moron…

8. The Blue Tunic

Now, if the Red Tunic made its way to my Top-10 for making Link impervious to fire, the Blue Tunic really can’t claim it’s done anything useful. Sure, it lets Link breathe underwater. Okay, but you still need to wear those damn Iron Boots to get around anywhere and it’s not as if Link also learned to dive as a result of the Blue Tunic.

Whereas the Red Tunic was awesome for protecting Link from his most constant nemesis, the Blue Tunic fails to do the same. The Zora Armour which was introduced in Twilight Princess actually did something to make Link’s diving easier, but the Blue Tunic is annoying because without the added metallic footwear, it’s practically useless.

Speaking of which…

7. Iron Boots

Now I do have to admit, the Iron Boots are a pretty nifty item to have… if you’re planning on jumping off a bridge. I can’t for the death of me think why Nintendo ever thought that giving Link a pair of boots which barely allow him to move was a good idea. In Ocarina of Time they were particularly annoying as you needed to go to the menu every time you wanted to take them off or put them on.

In later Zeldas the Boots can be equipped and unequipped with the press of a button, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are really annoying to use and only serve the purpose of holding Link down.

Now, I do admit that in Twilight Princess they were sort of useful as they allowed you to walk on walls and ceilings, but was it too much trouble to allow Link to walk at regular or almost regular speed while he was doing that. TP’s attempt at making the Iron Boots cool just meant more segments where you had to walk at a snail’s pace to get where you were going.

6. Bugs

An interesting bit of trivia for any Zelda fans. Apparently, Shigeru Miyamoto was inspired to create Zelda from his childhood imagination of what the forests and caves in his neighbourhood might have contained and the thrill of exploration he got out of going to those places. As a result, Shiggy has always incorporated some of his personal hobbies into the Zelda games. Some of these are pretty cool, like giving Link an instrument in Ocarina of Time (Miyamoto himself plays the banjo).

But then you run into stuff that honestly makes you feel like Shiggy just wanted to throw one of his personal hobbies smack into the middle of an epic fantasy journey. How else can you explain bug collecting as a continually growing feature in Zelda games. Twilight Princess was the worst because you couldn’t even ignore the bugs due to the noises they made. The most I ever got into bug collecting was selling Bugs in Bottles to the jittery lady for cash in OoT.

At least the Bugs serve some purpose in Skyward Sword, but frankly, I’d be happier if they were just a background element or enemies but not collectables.

5. Gust Bellow

I have to admit that when I already saw video footage of this item I thought it looked pretty retarded. What can be said about the Gust Bellow… it blows… HARD! Now, in the Lanayru Mining Facility where neat piles of sand have been formed very conveniently for Link to blow away and reveal either hidden treasures or enemies underneath, the Gust Bellow was okay. Beyond that, it really doesn’t serve much purpose.

It can stun certain enemies, but then again, so can most of your items. It doesn’t come with a suck-feature that would allow you to gather items that are out of reach, or let’s say beyond bars. Seriously, there actually is quite a lot of lost potential for this item, but the fact that it’s only half as useful as Luigi’s vacuum cleaner makes it a rather superfluous addition to the Zelda franchise.

And I really gotta ask, does the Gust Bellow really need to look so frickin’ retarded. It couldn’t look much worse if it was a propeller cap that Link put on his head and spun around to blow sand away…

4. Hover Boots

For the love of… Link just needs a regular set of boots, period. If the Iron Boots were annoying to use, the Hover Boots are next to useless. There’s one Temple in all of OoT where you need to use them and for the rest of the time, you don’t want to use them because they are so god damned annoying.

Firstly, what use is it to only hover for about 1,5 seconds in the air. Secondly, why do they have to make Link run like he’s on fucking ice. Thirdly, why do I go to Hover Mode if I’m only trying to walk down a fucking flight of stairs!?

When I first had a look through Ocarina of Time’s instruction booklet (because unlike 99% of the gamers on the planet, I actually read the manual before playing the game), I was awe-struck by how many cool looking items there were in the game and couldn’t wait to get to the Hover Boots. Then I got this pile of Tectite Diarrhea. Was I disappointed? Oh yeah…

3. Fishing Rod

I was very nearly ready to make this the number-1 pick for the list, because I honestly can’t think of a more pointless thing to have in a Zelda game. Remember when I said that there were times in Zelda games where it feels like Shiggy is trying to force his personal hobbies into the Zelda games, that’s definitely the feeling I got when I first discovered the Fishing Hole at Lake Hylia in Ocarina of Time.

Firstly, fishing as an activity in Zelda games is entirely pointless. It’s there to kill time. I think it would be much more interesting hunting for Heart Pieces, looking for Golden Skulltulas or doing anything other than waiting for virtual fish to bite my virtual hook on my virtual fishing rod. Secondly, the rod doesn’t even have any function beyond for what it’s meant for. If you could at least whack enemies over the head with it, I’d be willing to let it off the Top-5.

Thirdly, unless it’s Pokémon or Sega Bass Fishing, I don’t think you should ever feel the urge to go fishing in a video-game…

2. Every Single Mask in Ocarina of Time

When it comes to Masks in Zelda games, there’s two games to look out for. In Majora’s Mask, they are all-purpose and required for solving vital side-missions in the game and adding enjoyment to the game. In Ocarina of Time, the mask-selling sub-quest was a fucking waste of your time.

For one thing, it all came down to either getting short-changed or alternatively getting paid too much for a mask, which made no difference either way since its so easy to find money in Zelda anyway. Secondly, practically none of the masks serve any purpose beyond wearing them and making Link look a tad sillier in his child-form. The Mask of Truth did allow you to talk to those creepy statues, but that’s only useful if you like deciphering cryptic clues. The bunny-hood did actually make you run faster, but only as child-Link which made it rather useless over-all.

So, in OoT, don’t even bother with the Happy Mask Shop, if you want a game with a seriously kick ass and useful selection of Masks, it’s Majora’s Mask you want…

1. Keys

Keys open doors, but it’s the constant hunt for keys is really frustrating Zelda games. I can accept that there’s a door I can only open once I’ve gone to a specific place inside a dungeon. Maybe I fight an enemy or solve a puzzle, but do I really have to go searching every room in the frickin’ dungeon when I suddenly find a locked door I can’t open?

Keys serve no other purpose in Zelda other than to be found. They can’t be used as weapons, they can never be reused and trying to find them is always a chore… most of the time. In Twilight Princess, we did see some retarded shit like keys sitting in chests that were completely unguarded and keys to locked doors just sitting in the same room as the locked door you were trying to get through.

And often times once you find a key to a locked room, what’s waiting for you is another locked door. ARGH!!!