Top-5 Biggest Dickheads in Formula One

As much as I love Formula One, there are certain aspects of it and certain people within the sport that I absolutely can’t stand. These are the people who I feel hinder the credibility of the sport the most. If these people had nothing to do with anything within the sport, F1s would be better off.

Amazingly, I’m leaving Fernando Alonso and Michael Schumacher off the list, mainly because neither one of them has done anything particularly heinous as of late but also because I want to refrain from saying anything bad about anyone currently participating in the sport or anyone who has any chance of coming back to the sport. And yes, that last part was directed at the new rising star on this particular collection of assholes.

1. Flavio Briatore

Flavio the Flatulent, as I like to call him, was and still is the biggest douchebag in Formula One history. I didn’t like him when he was the head of Renault F1, dating ladies quarter his age and showing off his corpulence like the fucking hog he is. It’s when the 2008 Crashgate scandal hit the fan when he officially became persona non grata for me. I rejoiced when the man was ejected by the FIA and, in all honesty, Renault was better off without him.

What makes me hate this dick even more is that he hasn’t technically left the sport even though he’s no longer actively part of it. He still keeps giving out interviews, showing up to races and being the same asshole he always was. Getting caught breaking the rules and being banned from the sport (a ban which amazingly has now been lifted) hasn’t instilled one ounce of humility in to this blimp of human waste.

Yes, it’s been two years but still… fuck you Flavio!

2. Bernie Ecclestone

Ah, Old Man Bernie. Every time he opens his mouth I become more and more convinced the man’s gone off his medication. What else can be said about him, he’s a senile old fart with more money than God who just so happens to own the commercial rights to the sport.

For the last few years he’s spent giving retarded suggestions on how to make F1 races “better” and “more exciting”. Some of his “brilliant” ideas have included: short cuts which drivers could use a limited amount of times during a race, sprinklers on the sides of the track to simulate wet-weather conditions in dry races – and best of all – trying to reschedule the cancelled Bahrain GP later this year without the agreement or permission from the FIA, FOTA, the Sponsors or Mark Webber (don’t mess with the Webbster, bitch).

However, Bernie is only number-2 since over the years I’ve somewhat gotten used to him talking out of his rear. Additionally, him getting mugged at his own doorstep made me feel some sympathy for the man… but not enough to leave him off the list.

3. Luca di Montezemolo

Scuderia Ferrari is the Empire of Assholedom and Luca Cordero di Montezemolo is its ruler. Luca talks down to his employees, he talks down to his fans, he talks down to everyone who watches the sport, he talks down to Felipe Massa (but then again the only ones that don’t are myself and the Brazilian press). And no-one believes one thing coming from his mouth.

His shitty sense of humour is only matched by the shitty way he runs things in his team. We all know that Ferrari doesn’t play by the rules and with people like Montezemolo (and Briatore) in the sport, what can anyone expect. But I’ll give the man some credit, that he knows when to address the team’s troubles and at least gives off the image of a team-head who reacts to those troubles… even if he really isn’t: Is there any other reason for why Stefano Domenicali is still employed?

4. Niki Lauda

Now, nothing I’m about to say about Niki Lauda is intended to be a sly at his driving skills or his long-established reputation in the sport. He’s widely recognised as one of the greats. He has three championships to prove it, he continued to race even after his horrendous, disfiguring accident and he is one of the immortal names of the sport.

He is also a massive tool. These days, Lauda (who continues to work in F1 broadcasting) is talking shit left and right, trying to cause controversy and to keep himself in the headlines. The man is clearly hungry for publicity, but does he really have to strive for it by talking shit about the current drivers?

I’m letting Lauda off easy on this one since the man did fall down an elevator shaft a while back, which for a man his age is an even more unpleasant experience than it is for most of us.

5. Jacques Villeneuve

The latest person to make my list of F1 assholes is none other than the only Canadian F1 champion, Jacques “Son of Gilles” Villeneuve. During his active career, Villeneuve was known for having quite the mouth. He’d give his frank opinion on everything which made people within the sport a little queasy. Seems though he hasn’t kicked the habit.

Most recently in an interview he lauded the skills of Felipe Massa, going so far as to say it was him and not Kimi Räikkönen who should have won the championship in 2007. Now, not only do I have to point out that Massa almost did win the championship in 2008, but saying that someone doesn’t deserve a championship is absolute horse-crap. Every F1 champion has deserved their championships, they weren’t just handed to them on a silver platter (even though it felt like that during the Schumi years).

Now, I’ve never been Villeneuve’s biggest fan, but these statements have made me lose all respect for the man. Bad decisions made him drop out of the sport and after his championship his career was on a down-hill trend. When people were talking about him coming back into the sport a few years back, I was more than just a little skeptical. He might have been the champ once, but his pathetic years in Honda and Sauber tell me the man was all washed out back then. Mange de la merde et meurs, Jacques!